[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*weighs self after shaving
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.