Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
You Might Also Like
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.