are they though??
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Appears Hallmark doesn鈥檛 make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 馃彙
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don鈥檛 poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we鈥檙e breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don鈥檛 you have XBox to play or something?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Maybe I鈥檒l make you laugh, maybe I鈥檒l sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don鈥檛 know.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
wife: i鈥檓 going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My馃憦spacebar馃憦is馃憦broken馃憦so馃憦I’m馃憦using馃憦the馃憦clapping馃憦emoji馃憦instead馃憦I’m馃憦not馃憦trying馃憦to馃憦make馃憦a馃憦point
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it鈥檚 healthy
Scientists: 鈥o
Me: are you sure it鈥檚 food
Scientists: 鈥o
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I have a friend who鈥檚 band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I鈥檓 pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe