Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
The news in a nutshell.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.