Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Was it something I said?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“no gods no masters” = leo
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.