A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
🤣😂🤣
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Every work call, he judges.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.