I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
You Might Also Like
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”