A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Life with a cat in one tweet
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.