When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?