Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Wednesday
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.