Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.