Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
c’mon!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?