“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do