I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
any last words?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?