Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve