We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
channeling her this year
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words