Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
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“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
pelicons
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.