If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Anime is real
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Worst Native American name ever.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
dream blunt rotation
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha