I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
You Might Also Like
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
this is how life feels
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out