Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
#oldknees
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
i spent way too long on this
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄