Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down