Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Seas the day!!!!
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Tell the colonel to bring it
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.