SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My birthstone is kidney
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Dance like you’re not the father
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
The internet is full of many things
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else