If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away