Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
When they try to steal your moment.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years