Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
That’s incredible! 👌
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Lassie, get help!
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.