I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.