Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it