Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
💯😂
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.