I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Monday Lisa
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.