Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
You Might Also Like
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky