[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.