They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
My teenage children choosing violence
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Stop being racist to kettles.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee