guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
the composer
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”