It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
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[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game