[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
You Might Also Like
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of