Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk