[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
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Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter