“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.