Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
He-man has a Masters degree
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack