Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You Might Also Like
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.