[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
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I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?