Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
You Might Also Like
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
getting groceries
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far