It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending