I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
j o i m p
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
never deleting this app.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
It’s an epidemic…