In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
You Might Also Like
doing some research
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure