Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now