[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
*puts cutlery down*
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*