me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.