I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns